Clarity can sometimes be a hard one thing.
I realised today at the age of 39 that for most of my life I have sought fulfilment in the world of form. I realised today that truly, my heart is not in it. I was with a woman last night, a beautiful and funny woman, sexually alive and in my bed. Today I see the falsehood for what it is: no amount of enjoyment or even revcerence for the manifest world is enough to reach into my soul and fill my longing. I realised again what I have alwayts known – i seek the transcendent, I seek the spirit, I seek God.
It is at once a shame to have taken so long to realise this and a liberation. In trying to find fulfilment in this world, I have failed completely and utterly. It is such a sweet pain that I am crying as I type this in the library. This is not a wasted life, this is a life turned toward God with clarity, conviction and a knowing born of trying every other fucking thing than sincere and complete devotion to THEM. The holy trinity, the immortal being, the space beyond space. My maker, my hero, the Christ, the Father, the Sun.
I start 2020 with a clarity born of failure.
I seek God only. I serve God only.
The testimony of my heart writes these words plainly through my tears and emotion.
There has only ever been one answer for me to the meaning of life.